Dragon Ball Multiverse Abridged
by Super Neko Majin
Summary: A comedic retelling of Dragon Ball Multiverse. Jokes will be made. Lampshades will be hung. Authors far, far above my station will be bashed. Without further ado, let's begin!
1. A Really Abridged Tournament!

**Disclaimer: Dragon Ball is owned by TOEI Animation and Akira Toriyama. Dragon Ball Multiverse is owned by Salagir and whoever the artist is this week. If I owned either one, I sure as hell wouldn't be posting this here.**

(Show cover with four guys that won't even be in the tournament.)

Somewhere in the multiverse, two fists collided in a packed arena. One was gigantic, wreathed in an emerald aura. The other was gloved, surrounded by gold. A massive shockwave rocked the arena from the force, forcing even fighters like Piccolo, Goku and Vegeta to put up their guard. Frieza and his family stood open-mouthed at the amount of power on display. It was around then that the prized scion of the House of Cold shat himself in despair.

The smoke cleared to reveal Broly and Vegetto, their fists still locked together. Broly's aura was green, and Vegetto's aura was gold and covered in lightning. The Legendary Super Saiyan growled and charged an Omega Blaster in his left hand. Vegetto brought his hands to his sides and began charging energy. "Big Bang..." Broly fired his blast. "Kamehameha!" Vegetto finished as he shot a blue energy beam. All around the arena, fighters were powering up to their maximums to resist the explosion they knew was coming. A Vegeta from another world became a Super Saiyan, but Nappa, who had no such defense, followed in Frieza's footsteps and soiled his armor. "D...d...damn it!" he shouted, furious with himself.

Finally, the blast exploded, sending fighters flying. A Cell Junior rocketed into the air, along with several aliens who looked badass enough to be fighters but who would never be seen again.

When the blast was cleared, the arena floor was shattered and several people were strewn around it. Whether those people were on the floor for no reason when the blast hit and somehow survived or were thrown into walls and made some crazy rebounds to get there, we may never know. Super Buu looked with astonishment at the blast's power. "Gigantic..."

How can such a scenario be, you may wonder? How were so many dead fighters suddenly alive? How did those people get on the arena floor? And most importantly, how the fuck did Broly take on Super Saiyan 2 Vegetto and not die from his aura alone? The answers to two out of three of these questions will be revealed...


	2. Anthrocon 794

**Disclaimer: Dragon Ball is owned by TOEI Animation and Akira Toriyama. Dragon Ball Multiverse is owned by Salagir and whoever the artist is this week. If I owned either one, I sure as hell wouldn't be posting this here.**

A starship from another world materialized into empty space. The ship was vaguely birdlike, with a pointed front and an extra cockpit on each side as "wings". A pilot spoke from within. He was humanoid, but he had feathers covering his body and a beak instead of his mouth, much like the other people on the ship. In short, he was a bird furry, though he had been spared the sexual fate of some of his mammalian kin.

"Five trillion universes. Five trillion _fucking_ universes. I swear to god, if this is another world where Pan and Trunks are together, I'm gonna- Oh, wait, we're here! Parallel universe #5,098,487,923,674, everyone! Prepare the Nameks!" The ship launched an egg-like shuttle, which began its descent into Earth's atmosphere towards Kami's lookout.

Mr. Popo saw the ship coming over the horizon and panicked. "How is this ship able to land here? Only a few people are authorized." Piccolo gave Dende a sharp look. "Well, maybe if _someone_ would reinforce his wards more often, we wouldn't have this problem." The ship retracted three legs and landed. Three Namekians and one of the bird-men floated out of the ship. "Who are you?" Piccolo asked. One of the Namekians answered; "We're Namekians from another universe. We came to your world with the Vargas' technology."

"You see, there isn't just one universe, but a huge amount. All of them follow the same basic path, but different choices make one world different. Most of them are full of romance and God knows what else, but every so often, one fighter makes a different decision and a whole world of powerful fighters is born." The Namekian shuddered for a second at the horrors he had seen already. "But only one race can travel between dimensions: the Vargas. Well, them and that group of Saiyans and the lesbian couple, but you get the idea. Being a race with no special ki talent, they decided gathering a bunch of fighters vastly more powerful than they are into one place was an amazing idea. They made friends with us and decided to make a tournament between the strongest fighers in the multiverse."

Piccolo had one question. "What happens if people die?" "Well, we've stolen the Dragon Balls from every universe we come across. Hell, there's a guy doing it now." Piccolo turned around to see a black-clad Namekian tiptoing off with Shenron's dragon model. He turned around. "What do we get if we win?" "You'll get three wishes from Porunga himself!" Piccolo rolled his eyes. "Wow, that's so amazing", he said sarcastically. "Look, we've used the Dragon Balls more often than Chiaotzu's died. Besides, ours are better anyway." But then he thought a moment. "On the other hand, though, I just know Goku would never let me hear the end of it if I didn't tell him about something like this."

 **Less than an hour later**

All the Z Fighters were standing in a circle near the Vargas' ship. Goku was excited. "Awesome, I get to beat stuff up!" Uub looked at him. Goku blushed. "Oh, and you can fight at full power, I guess, but don't we have the ROSAT for that?" Uub looked away as Trunks spoke up. "Can we register Gotenks? You can't see him, but that's just 'cause his time is now. He'll be there for the fights, I promise." The Varga spoke for the first time. "One fighter registered his son who isn't even born yet, so that's fine." The second Namekian looked at him in shock. "Did you just call Ms. Saggybreasts of Universe 15 'him'? And I thought we were bad with gender..." The Varga grumbled as the first Namekian spoke again. "You're the 18th group, so we'll call you U18 because Universe 18 takes too long. After all, there's no way we can be bothered to use three-syllable words in Dragon Ball. Time to board!" The Z Fighters flew into the shuttle one by one, which took off. After about a minute, the shuttle flew back into the main ship.

The ship was huge, and there were Namekians and Vargas running around everywhere making sure things got done. Strangely, there were a few members of both races repeating the words "Just two more" and staring blankly into space. The ship suddenly disappeared as it warped into a lifeless universe. The Z Fighters got off the ship, where they were led to a chamber. "This is your room. Just make sure you don't get into any fights." The Z Fighters looked around their room and the open area outside it for a little bit before Gohan's eyes widened. "Wait, that's... Cell!" Cell turned around to see Gohan flipping him off. He spoke in the mix of Piccolo and Zarbon's voices Gohan hated so much. "Well, aren't you original".

 **To be continued...**

 _A/N: I hope you liked it so far! I know I'm not the best at writing conversations, but I'm working on it. Good thing I'm doing a fighting anime, huh? I know the last one was short and didn't have that many jokes in it, so I tried to do better with this one._


	3. The Exposition Chapter

**Disclaimer: Dragon Ball is owned by TOEI Animation and Akira Toriyama. Dragon Ball Multiverse is owned by Salagir and whoever the artist is this week. If I owned either one, I sure as hell wouldn't be posting this here.**

"That bastard probably killed us in his universe," Piccolo said. Goku shook his head. "Umm, I think he was talking about the guys over there." Piccolo turned to see a box numbered #16 full of people who looked just like the Z Fighters. "Damn, he's right," Piccolo grunted. "We are unoriginal." Goten and Trunks turned to see Gohan now using both hands to flip Cell off. Deciding they needed to get away from him quick, Trunks shouted "Hey, let's check out the others!" He got about two feet before seeing a box marked #13. Standing there were Vegeta and Goku, but both were wearing Saiyan armor. Vegeta's had an anchor-like mark on it, showing he was the Prince of all Sailors. Nappa was also standing there. He couldn't see Raditz over the others' heads, but Raditz was Yamcha's Yamcha so nobody gave a shit.

In a box marked #8, Frieza stood, groaning. His father stood close behind, the ruler of the House of Cold. The Prince of Cold spoke in his sharp voice. "Saiyans again? Seriously? I mean, I get one or two universes, but this is what, the fourth time? You'd almost think we weren't that powerful and we only survived in our universe by luck! It makes almost as little sense as me being in my final form right now!"

Goten and Trunks had made their way to Universe 10's box, a world of primitive Saiyans. Trunks shouted to that world's Vegeta. "Hey, Vegeta! Can I talk to your dad real quick?" The king was enraged. "How dare you talk to me like that! Who do you think you are?" Trunks rolled his eyes. "Bitch, my fingernail has more power than your entire race. Just let me see my grandfather." Meanwhile, Goten was trying to find Kakarot, but he'd found Bardock instead. "Hey, get your wife over here so we can take a selfie together in front of U8's box, alright? Frieza would be so pissed!"

Piccolo flew over the Saiyans to talk to a group of Namekians behind them. "Hello, Nail. A word of advice, be careful with the Saiyans. They used to slaughter entire planets where I came from." Nail laughed. "Bitch, please. My power's 42,000, I could beat their whole race with my eyes closed. Besides, they don't have space travel." Piccolo realized what this meant. "But what about Frieza?" "I heard of a Frieza when we were fleeing the tempest, but his whole family got killed by Kaioshin." Piccolo's eyes widened to the size of dinner plates. He knew who Kaioshin was, of course, so the idea that he'd actually gotten off his ass and done something useful was incomprehensible to the Namek.

Goten and Trunks, meanwhile, were telling Vegeta and his father stories. Vegeta was looking horrified at the moment. "So the legendary Super Saiyan form is so weak a seven-year-old can attain it? I've been training my whole life for nothing?" Goten laughed. "Yeah, pretty much. Hey, if you wanna break down even further we can tell you about the time a piece of chewing gum made a Super Saiyan 3 look like nothing..."

Nail showed Piccolo U7's box. There was only one fighter in it, a massive Namekian. He was easily 10 feet tall, eyes closed and arms crossed. He was incredibly muscled, and Piccolo knew Goten and Trunks would be salivating over that body. "That's Gast Carce- Gast Carca- Gast Carcon- Dammit, how the hell do you pronounce 'olh'?" Nail told Piccolo. "Anyway, he beat the shit out of Frieza before killing the guys from Universes 17 and 11. There's no way he can lose." Piccolo was shocked. "How could a Namekian gain such power?" "Oh, he just fused with everyone on Namek." Piccolo was furious at himself. He should have thought of that!

After reducing Vegeta and his father to balls of nerves and crushed dreams, Goten and Trunks came back to U18's space. U19's fighters had already arrived, decked out in strange battle armor. The moment they got back, some Vargas started rolling an iceberg into U20's space. "It's the Avatar!" Goku shouted. One of the Vargas shuddered as he remembered a world where Avatar the Last Airbender, Star Wars and Dragon Ball had all blended together, despite all those series being at completely different power levels from each other. Piccolo looked harder at the iceberg. It definitely wasn't the Avatar, or else Aang had taken more steroids than... "Broly!" Piccolo realized with horror. "We found him frozen in space while we were stealing U20's Dragon Balls," one of the Vargas explained. "If he's alive, he'll participate." Goku was worried. "How could they bring such a monster here?"

Gohan looked at Goku, perplexed. "So you're worried about the guy who's weaker than a Super Saiyan 2, but not fucking Super Buu, the guy who kicked Gotenks and I around like we were nothing? Seems legit." Gohan turned back to Cell. He was now floating in the air with no bare feet, curling all his toes but the middle ones and pointing those at Cell. "Then again, there are a lot of dangers around..." Gohan could see not just Cell and Super Buu, but the fat Buu, Bojack and even the Androids. He saw Frieza and his family too, but they'd been Worfed almost as bad as his own mother, so he ignored them.

A loudspeaker blared across the arena. "All the challengers have arrived! We have randomly selected the matches in a way that will ensure plot-relevant matchups, but not until at least the second round to keep you reading! The first match is Nappa from U13 against Cargo from U10! Without further ado... let's begin!"

 _A/N: This is already way more fun than I thought it would be, and I haven't even started on this comic's major issues yet. I can't wait to write more of this for you guys. This is my longest chapter yet; I'm gonna be doing one chapter of writing per chapter of Multiverse from now on._


	4. Autumn Day Distraction

**Disclaimer: Dragon Ball is owned by TOEI Animation and Akira Toriyama. Dragon Ball Multiverse is owned by Salagir and whoever the artist is this week. If I owned either one, I sure as hell wouldn't be posting this here.**

Cargo and Nappa jumped onto the tiny planet that was the ring. Both of them felt the gravity increase to ten times Earth's, but they were both too strong to care. A voice rang out from the loudspeakers. "May the fight begin!" Nappa threw a punch towards Cargo that hit his arm like a sledgehammer. Cargo started punching as fast as he could, but Nappa caught every attack.

The Z Fighters looked on in surprise. "This Nappa is insane compared to the one in our world," Gohan said. He'd gotten cramps in his fingers and had to sit down, but he was still shooting daggers at Cell. "Yes, but it's also apparent... that he's now quite old." Vegeta scoffed. "How can you tell, Kakarot? He looks exactly the damn same and I knew him my entire life."

The battle between the Saiyan and Namek continued, which is to say Cargo kept on punching what was pretty much a brick wall. "You know, kid, I think I killed your brother in my universe. What was his name, Dick? Dangalang?" Cargo was furious. "His name is Dende!" He leapt at the bald Saiyan, punching him as hard as he could in the jaw. Nappa staggered back a little bit and spat out a pink and white object. His eyes filled with rage. "Agh... mah dentuhs! Damn it! Ah'm nah gonna go eathy on you anymoh!"

Vegeta watched from afar with a surprised look on his face. "Wow. I guess you were right, Kakarot."

Nappa punched Cargo in the jaw before swiftly kneeing his stomach. The Namek spat blood as he flew almost twenty feet away. "Nappa of U13 wins!" rang out on the loudspeaker. "Ha, weakling! I hope the next fights are more exciting." "The next fight is Frieza of U8 vs Jeice from U8!" "Damn it, I was kidding!" Nappa cursed, knowing Frieza would easily beat him next round.

Jeice and Burter looked at each other in horror. "Oh no, there's no way you can beat Lord Frieza! What are you gonna do?" Burter rasped. Jeice, however, was smiling. "Eh, that's what you'd think, mate, but I've got a secret weapon. Now where is it..." The faux Aussie fished through his pockets until he found a yellow plastic container. Burter's eyes widened. "Is that..." "Yeah, mate. A can of 100%, pure Vegemite. I've been eatin' it for years and even I can only eat a lil' bit at a time. A full can should knock Frieza out easy!" Suddenly, the can started glowing, then turned to ash. Sweating, Jeice turned around to see a smug Frieza looking back at him, eyes still faintly glowing from the blast he'd just used. "Shit... I forfeit!"

"The next fight is Son Goku of U18 vs Mahissu from U10!" Goku jumped into the ring. 'Hey, he looks like a Super Saiyan 4! If only I was a Super Saiyan God, then we could see who's stronger...' Mahissu had a smug look on his face. "I'm not talking to a renegade with no tail." Goku exhaled. "Look, I've beaten enough warmups to know how this is gonna go. You mock me, I show you some power, you still mock me, I KO you faster than Saitama killed that purple Piccolo cosplayer. So let's just skip to step 4 this time, 'k?" Goku punched the air, sending out a pressure wave that threw the other Saiyan hundreds of feet backwards, knocking him out. The audience was shocked, and some of the weaker competitors started rethinking their life choices.

Had U10's Nameks had gentials, they would have pissed themselves, but being genderless they had to settle for forfeiting. "Ha! Cowards!" U10 Vegeta mocked. "A real man would stay and fight, no matter what happens!" He was too far away to notice a man in U3's box laughing at the top of his lungs at the Saiyan king's future misfortune.

Goku landed back in his box as a deep, scratchy voice spoke. "So you've met those pathetic Saiyans, have you?" Goku turned around to see Vegeta standing in royal Saiyan armor with several other Saiyans. "You may look like a bad Naruto cosplayer, but you _are_ the closest thing to Kakarot that's here. We are the Super Saiyans. Well, two of us are, but fuck it. We're going to win this tournament." Goku thought about the two times in the decades he'd known Vegeta when he hadn't been able to one-shot the prince, but he didn't say anything. "I'm guessing your Goku never hit his head as a baby?" Piccolo asked. Vegeta's eyes widened a little bit at what this meant about the other Kakarot. "Hit his head? No, he did not do that. That's a good idea though, it would make our Kakarot a little more sane..." "You know, I'd say a 'Goku stays Kakarot and kills everyone' world was unoriginal, but compared to the number of worlds where Goku stays Kakarot and _doesn't_ kill everyone, that's actually pretty tame," the Namek remarked.

Suddenly Gohan and Goten came out of the U18 bedroom and looked at Kakarot. Both were dressed in matching black armor from head to toe, complete with masks. They sounded like they were hooked up to ventilators. When they spoke, their voices were even deeper than Piccolo's. "Kakarot... You are our father!" Kakarot looked dumbfounded, and so did everyone else. "Take those costumes off, you look ridiculous," Piccolo said. Goten took off his helmet. "This coming from the guy in the purple turban?" The Namek bared his fangs. "Goten..." "Aww, fine." The two sulked back to their rooms.

 _ **A/N: Sorry this took so long. I could make up some bull about how I was doing other things, but to be honest I really don't have a good reason for putting this off so long. Just know that even if update times do take longer than they should, I don't want to let this die. I hope you like the first fights in this story. Also, how would you describe Vegeta's voice? I know I said it was scratchy, but I'm not sure how well that fits.  
**_


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